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What The Crap Is This?

Either Allure magazine has a magical wizard on their staff, or their Photoshop experts deserve a raise. They turned Britney Spears from, well, Britney Spears into a vaguely hot (and clean!) woman who could only look less like Britney if they shot photos of Morgan Freeman instead.

Exhibit A:

“Oh, hello. I almost didn’t see you there. I was just in the middle of putting on my size two jeans. As you can see, I haven’t even buttoned them yet! But don’t worry, I fit into them easily. What’s that? My face looks weird? It does not, you shut up right now!”

Exhibit B:

“I had to sit down, your scorn was so exhausting. Do you notice how, though I’m sitting, I have no muffin top bulge? Please take a moment to revel in my silky smoothness. Not a mark or a blemish to be found on this body, no sir! I know you’ve seen recent candid pictures of me that would seem to belie this hot bod, but that’s why I’m here; to set you straight! And I’ll have you know that nobody has a perfectly symmetrical face, STUPIDS.”

Exhibit C:

“Blossom? I do not look like Blossom! Kiss my perfectly toned ass!”

Exhibit D:

“Would Blossom pose this seductively, suckers? I say no. That was Six’s territory. And maybe Joey Lawrence’s. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get some rest. It’s hard being this naturally hot. Hear that? NATURALLY hot. Because this is all me, baby. Candid city. Hot!”

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What The Crap Is This?